No, I am not referring to the new show on FX that I enjoy. I am referring to the fact that I feel as if most moments of the day I am somehow damaging my daughter. What do I mean ?? Well Sass will be 3 in 11 days. She has a temper, she really wants to do things ALL BY HERSELF, she hits/scratches/bites me and D when she is upset or excited. Many days it feels as if she cries at every little thing.
Add to this a needy (recovering colic) 10 month old and my tank of patience is empty. So instead of saying in a calm voice, "honey it is wrong to scratch Mommy like that" I instead scream under my breath "are you fO&(*^ kidding me" "who do you think you are to scratch me" then I say YOU CAN NOT DO THAT !! I throw in that, at preschool she won't get away with that. I say "didn't I just give you an Oreo ?? Basically I start saying all these things that I am sure doesn't help her understand why she shouldn't do certain things.
i start explaining to her in a harsh voice that it is not nice to do that, that she has to use her listening skills, she has to learn to behave. By the end of my rants I am convinced that I just stripped this girls esteem to nothing and it kills ME !!!
Sass will say things to me like, I want you to be SAD, I want you to upset. I want you to be a bad Mommy. What does this all mean ???? Could a toddler have depression ?? anxiety ??? is it all my fault ?? am I horrible ???
Sass is a spirited child, she is social and fun and smart and she really does listen and behave the majority of the time. It just seems that when she is NOT LISTENING, it is a very intense NOT and I get crazed. Of course I am sure that I create the cycle, she sees me getting upset/frustrated and that gets her upset/frustrated - and so it goes on and on.
I just hope that all these things I say in a state of true frustration are not damaging her and her confidence and esteem. I praise her ALL the time, and always make sure to note all her good behavior and tell her I love her. There are plenty of times where she says, Mommy I love you and all sorts of other nice things.
We have a bday party for a friend down the block, should be fun and I love having something to fill up the 4 to 6 time in the evening !!
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under the pen name Fiona Charles
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About Me
- Feener
- I am 39 years old and have 2 wonderful daughters, Sass born in 2004 and Frass born in 2006. I have been married since 2003 to the nicest, sexiest man alive(Mats) - oh and the most patient. I created the blog in order to lessen the nagging/annoying venting on my husband. Oh and I have poor spelling and grammar so beware !!!
12 comments:
I just found your blog a couple of weeks ago. love it.
Just wanted to say I totally feel the same way and whats more frustrating is my daughter is only 18 months and already exhibts every sign of terrible twos imaginable.Unfortunately I think guilt is an emotion that comes two fold with moterhood.
Andrea, TX
I've got 3-1/2 and 1-1/2. If one is not melting, the other is...then I melt. And #2 is a lot more spirited than #1. Even worse, I'm flying alone with them next week on a 5-1/2 hour flight. God help me.
I love how honest and real your posts are. I can completely relate. My three-year old has major meltdowns too, but my 6-year old worries me the most. He tells me he hates me and that I'm mean. You can only hear that for so long before it starts to get to you. Our family is currently experiencing a major (and difficult) life change, so I'm sure that's part of it. But understanding what causes it doesn't always make it easier to deal with. Good luck! (and know we're all in this together...)
Feener, I so feel your pain! My Punkin' will be three on the 31st and I could just copy your story, change a couple of descriptive words and post it as my own!
I get so frustrated with him I could just scream and I'm sure he sometimes feels the same way. Not that he needs an excuse to scream here lately!
Last night he threw a real temper tantrum,kicking and screaming in the floor for fifteen minutes because he wanted to wear his crocs, not his sandles. Then he was through, got in my lap told me he loved me and wanted to watch Little Bear.
Forget toddler depression. I'm worried about toddler's who are bipolar....
ahh, the 4-6 time- AKA the witching hour(s)!
AND, she's THREE. I'm telling you, it's worse than two. Same amount, or more even, of the temper tantrums, but loss of innocence. Now she will do things ON PURPOSE to piss you off. Little honey. =)
We all loose it with our kids. It was very humbling for me to realize that some of my children's behavoir (maybe MOST) was due to my attitude. When I am being my best mommy self, things go much more smoothly and we are all happier. It's not fair- that we can't have a bad day w/o them sensing it and making it worse, but that's just how it is.
Also, does it help to be reminded that a reward system always works better than a consequence system? Like instead of reprimanding her for being rude, offer rewards (even praise, cuddles, kisses) when she asks nicely.
Neat and easy when written out, but much harder in real life. I know. Boy do I know.
Goodenss...You sound just like me.
What I'm trying to say is...Don't beat yourself up. We all do that...
And yes. I do say those things too...I promise.
I hear you! Now that my daughter is 4, things have gotten much better. It was terribles 2s and 3s around here! Hang in.
Ditto! We're doing the best we can.
I'm thinking I'm glad my kids are grown and no one has turned out to be a serial killer.
Hang in there!
We have the same issues, and I have the same guilt!
All we can do is try to be better - draw a line under it and go with your best foot forward.
Easier said than done, I know!
oh honey.
i'm LOATHE to give advice, but here it goes-
that stupid supernanny is right. timeouts after one warning. you can keep your shit together through one warning and then - to the bench/pillow/small rug. whatever. and keep taking her back there if she gets up. 3 minutes and then calmly (heehee) say 'sweetheart, we don't scratch. that's why you have a timeout. please tell me you're sorry.' THEN she can get up. the first couple times are tough, but almost unbelievably they get it if you're consistent. and then you hug and say, as happily as you can muster, 'thank you for apologizing! what a good choice! let's play with XYZ together!' and it's done.
the key is one warning, and warm praise with the wrapup. it seems too simple, but it works.
as long as i'm doling ... something that works for us is the counting thing. 1 (with a finger) 2 ... and then the timeout. this is for lesser offenses. rio's a riot. she'll either stop at one or ride it out and get the penalty box! when she corrects at '1' i say 'good choice!' all happy. makes her smile.
most importantly, don't beat yourself up. you will holler, you may even say something mean ... you're human. you're not damaging them, you're providing the perfect stage to say, 'i lost my temper and i'm sorry'. great examples = great results :)
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